Not everything you see on TV…

so i’ve been in miami (for work) for over 24 hours now and i can say, definitively, that some things you see on television are not true:

1. i have yet to see a high-speed boat chase scene, a la miami vice. in fact, i haven’t even seen a single high-speed boat fly into the air off one of those marineworld-style ramps (what the heck is going ON here?)
2. i have yet to see shaq, dwyane wade, or damon jones (or as jones put it on tv once, “the king and two princes of miami”), a la NBA tv (which makes it look like you can’t walk outside without running into one of them).
3. i have yet to see anyone doing lines of coke off a glass table, a la “every miami movie/show you’ve ever seen”.

that being said, there are some very “miami-ish” things (which i only know from the fantasyland of TV/movies) that i’ve seen:

• incredible percentage of men walking around with women that are completely f’ing out of their league
• these men usually also have prolific chest hair and seem to have lost the top four buttons of their shirts (perhaps they were torn off by the copious chest hair. must send someone not gross out by forests of chest hair to investigate further).
• highest concentration of escalades on one street (ocean ave.) anywhere in the world
• tons of very miami-looking buildings with 70’s era white concrete architecture
• hundreds of men wearing bright teal or white sport coats.

i made that last one up.