The Mitchell Report Top Five Lists

Mitchell Report came out today. I have a tremendous amount of dislike that I’d love to spill towards Bud Selig (esp. after hearing his press conference), but I’ll save you the boredom. I’ll just say, this was one of the seminal sports news days of my lifetime.

Instead, regarding the Mitchell Report’s list of juiced up players today, I’ve got a few top five lists:

Most Obvious Users (not named Bonds, Giambi, etc.)

1. Roger Clemens: C’mon, don’t kid yourself, you knew it all along. The interesting story that I’m waiting for a prominent sportswriter to write in the next few days is: “Why isn’t Clemens getting torn apart like Barry was? Does it have something to do with his endearing Texan attitude or is it really just because he’s white?” I almost never go with the race card, but I really feel like it’s just that this time.
2. Bobby Estalella: Do you remember what this guy looked like? 5′6″ humans aren’t supposed to be 317 lbs. of pure muscle. It’s just unhealthy.
3. Miguel Tejada: As an A’s fan, I have to be honest, I knew this the moment they let him walk after his MVP season. He played so amazingly that year that you had to know letting him go was a sign of his steroids guilt - Beane didn’t want that on his team.
4. Eric Gagne: Is it possible to make a switch from a below-average starter to a great closer? Sure, I guess. Is it possible to do that an somehow miraculously start hitting 98 on the gun? Um, probably not.
5. Kevin Brown: There was just something otherworldly bulky about him, wasn’t there? As he got older he started to look more and more like the Hulk, like he was popping out of his own body. Just remarkably awkward.

Most Satisfying Steroid Users

1. Roger Clemens: He was always so cocky and arrogant. Spiteful, mean-spirited, stand-offish. Sound a bit like a certain black Giants slugger you know? That whole bat-throwing incident with Piazza takes on a whole new meaning now.
2. Andy Pettitte: Not only because he was one of THE yankees, but also because he and Roger were always so snotty about “how hard” they worked. I remember watching one of their taped workouts once and thinking, “Sure doesn’t seem like they’re working out that hard.” Now we know why they didn’t have to.
3. Jose Guillen: This guy was just a jerk everywhere he went. At least now he has an excuse for it.
4. John Rocker: Pretty obvious.
5. Paul LoDuca: see Guillen, Jose.

Most Shocking and/or Disappointing Steroid Users

1. Jack Cust: As an A’s fan, I just have to be disappointed.
2. David Bell: I always had a tremendous soft spot for guys who just played really hard and did the best with what God gave them. Apparently Bell was playing really hard with more than what God gave him.
3. David Segui: The shocking thing isn’t really that he was taking the roids, but more that he was apparently the league-wide ringleader of all this steroid stuff. He’s like Rome of the Steroids Scandal - all roads lead to him.
4. Brian Roberts: In retrospect, this shouldn’t have been so shocking. Tiny guy, suddenly belting home runs non-stop? Actually, he shouldn’t even be in here except for the fact that I liked him so much.
5. Rick Ankiel: I even wrote a blog post about how great of a story his comeback was. Just disappointing.

Funniest Steroid Users

1. Jose Canseco: We already knew all about him (he wrote a book, for crying out loud), but he’s by far the funniest user because we’ve now come full circle to realize the ridiculously-written (sounds like the stupid bully from your 3rd grade class) piece of fiction that he wrote is actually NON-fiction. Woodward, Bernstein, and Jose Canseco!
2. Chuck Knobloch: When you think back to the mental and physical breakdowns he had at the end of his career (missing throws by 40 feet), you no longer have to cringe for the guy. He deserved all that embarrassment and he probably brought it on himself.
3. Ryan Franklin: Franklin should really belong also in the most surprising category. I mean, if you were hitting 85 on the gun post steroids, what were you throwing before you started on it? And how did he fool so many people when he started taking them? What, did he start in 7th grade?!
4. Denny Neagle: see Franklin, Ryan.
5. Kevin Brown: All those wild gyrations in his pitching motion that looked like his body was going to explode? Yeah - roids. It must be tough when your muscles outgrow your ligaments by 2x.

Most Surprising Omissions

1. Bret Boone: Career 10-homer guy suddenly belts like 40+ with a BA of well over .300? Couldn’t Mitchell have just written his stats into the report as evidence?
2. Luis Gonzalez: Remember Barry’s record year, when this guy was keeping pace with him for 2/3 of the season? Yeah.
3. Mark Prior: Just seems like he was on something for the injuries to pile up so fast and his career to fall off so quickly. I mean, the Cubs cut him yesterday. I just thought it was a sign.
4. Rich Aurilia: Didn’t he hit 37 one year? How the hell did that happen? Also, see Boone, Bret.
5. Mark McGwire: The guy that I expected to see the most of on the report, besides Bonds, only showed up for his Andro controversy. It just makes you wonder: do we all owe him an apology? Was he just trying to not implicate other players when he was on Capitol Hill? Or has he just built up so much good will with other baseball folks by being a nice guy that they just won’t throw him under the bus. I’m betting on that one.